Ruah Reflection Paper
6/12/19
David Vinson
Stupefy
yourselves and be in a stupor,
Blind yourselves and be blind!
Be drunk, but not from wine,
Stagger, but not from strong drink!
For
the Lord has poured out upon you a spirit of deep sleep;
He has closed your eyes, you prophets,
And covered your heads, you seers.
The
vision of all this has become for you like the words of a sealed document.
If
it is given to those who can read, with the command, “Read this,” they say
“We cannot, for it is sealed.”
And
if it is given to those who cannot read, saying, “Read this,” they say
“We cannot read.”
Isaiah
29:9-12
“If you don’t
have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” No one ever taught me
that, so I’m sorry in advance for the negativity in this paper! As you may have
learned this year, depression is a regular part of my life, and right now I’m
in a stinky, though tolerable, trough. When I’m here it’s difficult to say much,
but if I need to say something, it is often helpful to start with the
experiences close at hand – bitterness, frustration, failure, sleepiness,
confusion, and so forth.
Answer the Door!
What the heck,
God? Why won’t you answer the door!? What happened to “knock and the door shall
be opened unto you”? I know, I know…I’m probably knocking my knuckles raw at
the wrong door, or a door that’s unlocked with a big sign that says, “Come on
in!”, in a language I can’t read, or maybe I’m inside already but think I’m
outside, or maybe the door is actually open but all I know how to do is knock,
or maybe I haven’t yet learned how to knock properly.
In any case,
Ruah has heightened, or highlighted, my desire for God, need for God, perceived
lack of God. I’m a widow with a legitimate complaint but this jerk judge won’t
hear me out…guess I better keep on knocking. I’m an “importunate” neighbor,
badgering my buddy for snacks in the middle of the night because I forgot my
in-laws were on their way and don’t have anything in the cupboard…come on man,
open up, I know you’ve got some triskets and salami.
Having the
opportunity each month, in a supportive and safe group, to answer the question,
“Where have you seen God in your life?”, has helped me to see just how
insistent and foundational this feeling is for me. Knocking, locked out,
feeling disconnected, the big Something is missing. This is the main reason I identified
as a four on the Enneagram. And this is not new, of course, and I bring it up
in various ways with my spiritual director, or in other contexts. I think the
monthly chime, or muffled thud, depending on how I feel, of this our peer-group
question has helped tune my ears to the regularity of my own knocking. For
better or for worse, most of my prayer life is simply calling out to God,
hoping for some response. Perhaps the best thing I’ve written in my journal
this year is a page of angry and desperate prayers, “where you at?” followed by
a page of scribbles and stabs of ink.
Many Hands Knocking Makes a Louder Noise
This isn’t a
proverb, but I like it. Thanks be to God for my classmates and for you faculty,
because with all of us knocking at the same time we create quite the racket. There’s
no way God can sleep through all that! Now that I think about it, maybe we
should be careful…in the Mesopotamian version of the great flood, the chief god
Enlil is fed up with noisy, annoying humans and decides the world would be
better off without them. Thankfully Ea warns someone to make an ark, and other
gods pitch in to help humanity survive. If the gods thought we were annoying
back then, wait till they hear about all the greenhouse gases we’re pumping
out, or the traffic on the beltway, or the world’s most powerful leader
spending half his day tweeting insults in all caps then in the next sentence
saying God bless America. (“My brothers and sisters, this ought not to be so” -
James 3:10)
In all
seriousness, the people of Ruah have been, far and away, the best part of Ruah.
Their stories, sharing from the heart, seeking truth and faith, what can I say,
this has all been so precious. Each person has inspired, encouraged, and
fascinated me.
Wake up!
My success and
failure in following through with our program (reading, journaling, other
disciplines), has been closely linked to my emotional ups and downs. September
and October were decent; November, December, January were dumpy; February,
March, April on the up and up; and the last month has been difficult.
Thankfully I had already read much of our book list, but I really hope to do
better next year.
Centering prayer
is key for me, but with seven years of trying I have yet to find consistency,
week to week, month to month. It’s so frustrating. I feel particularly called
to silent prayer, so please pray for me that I will find that rhythm. May my
failure to find a regular practice not discourage me but encourage me to
whatever prayers I can muster. I love this line from Cassian’s Conferences, “The recollection also of
our coldness and carelessness has sometimes aroused in us a healthful fervor of
spirit. And in this way no one can doubt that numberless opportunities are not
wanting, by which through God’s grace the coldness and sleepiness of our minds
can be shaken off.”
Time to wake up!
So says Ruah. At least, that’s my take on year one. My three most common day
dreams, well, other than sexual fantasy or depressive episodes, are 1- breaking
something, smashing it, perhaps cutting it in half, or jumping through it, like
a window; 2- being inundated, water pouring over me, from a burst pipe or
sudden waterfall; 3- jumping off high things, or driving off high things. I
usually interpret these as desires to wake up, be free in the active sense,
break through, take control, while at the same time, let go, be free in the
passive sense, lose control. This is the kind of spiritual dance that is Ruah.
I thank God for this experience, with the companions, teachers, authors,
environment, and Ruach that create it.
