Fears: PCC Response Paper 3

 

Of what are you most afraid?

When I was a boy, and then as a teenager, I used to have dreams about seeing my younger brother, John, die, and being unable to prevent his death. Not only was I unable to prevent his death in these dreams, but I was negligent in my supervision; or at least I felt negligent during and after the dream.

I remember one particular dream: we – my family and me – are parked at an overlook on a mountain ridge. Have you ever driven along the Blue Ridge Parkway or the Skyline Drive? Then you know just the kind of roadside overlook I’m talking about. The parking lot is long and shallow, with a small strip of grass between the pavement and the rock wall at the edge of the cliff or bluff.

In this dream, beyond the low rock wall is a steep granite ledge, at an angle down toward the real edge of the cliff. John and I are walking along the rock wall, and I’m nervous for him, but either because I’m unwilling or unable I don’t keep him close to me. The sky is gray and cloudy and my family is out of view. Before I know it John hops down from the wall to the granite ledge, and then he slips toward the abyss. I don’t see him fall, but somehow I know he falls…and that’s the end of the dream.

Four or five years ago, not too long after my nephew, Joseph, was born, I started having similar anxieties about being negligent and seeing him hurt or killed. I haven’t had any dreams about it, but at some point I realized that Joseph had replaced John in my “greatest fear” scenario.

What exactly am I afraid of here? Is it losing these people that I love? I deeply love John and Joseph, but I deeply love other people as well. Why is it John and Joseph in particular? Is it failing to uphold my duty as an older brother and as an uncle? I’ve had other duties and responsibilities as pressing and intimate.

I think John and Joseph’s youth has something to do with the depth of my fear. Their innocence, inexperience, vulnerability. They represent my own “soft” spots and deep vulnerabilities. Do I fear my own vulnerability, or the vulnerability of life in general?

My anxiety about negligence is also a key to interpreting this. Guilt! Shame! I’m guilty about my failure and ashamed about my inherent inability. I think it’s significant that my guilt and shame have to do with a lack or omission rather than an act or commission.

If John and Joseph represent my vulnerability, then would being unable to save John or Joseph represent my inability to protect myself? Isn’t that the definition of vulnerability? I’m running in circles here.

Let’s go back to guilt and shame: these are the real issues, I think. Am I afraid of them? They say that you fear what you don’t know. I’m well acquainted with guilt and shame! Why would I be afraid of them? Perhaps I’m afraid of the inevitable production of guilt and shame. I feel trapped, unable to stave off my deepest failures and inabilities, even when it matters the most. John and Joseph represent the deepest truth and value placed by God in my heart of hearts, and I feel continually unable to live up to that. That makes me afraid.