The Depths

The Depths: The Evoluntionary Origins of the Depression Epidemic  - Jonathan Rottenberg (2014)

What's the angle?
   Rottenberg is a psychologist who studies mood, "mood science." As I understand it, mood is somewhere between temperament and emotion. If temperament is the climate zone in which you live, mood is your seasonal weather, and emotion is your daily weather.
   He says that mood "is the great integrator." It sums up internal and external information to create an emotional attitude; it prepares you to behave in a general way. Anxious mood prepares you for threats and primes the emotions that help you respond to threats. Positive mood prepares you for exploration and seeking, priming the emotions that go along with that.
   What's the evolutionary function of depressed mood? Some guesses are:

1. De-escalate conflict and get out while you can: like an antidote to anger in social conflict; be sad instead, give-up fighting, especially if you are losing.
2. A "stop mechanism:" when you're in an impossible situation or have set unreachable goals, depression saps your motivation and helps you to give up. [sadly, two common tests of antidepressant medications are the "tail suspension test," where they hang a rat by its tail and see how long it struggles, and the "forced swim test," where they drop a rat into a bucket of water to time how long before it stops scratching the bucket walls and simply floats with its nose above water. The goal is to design a drug that will increase the amount of time the rat struggles to escape.]
3. Sensitivity to social risk: like loneliness, depression is the result of disconnection, and highlights the need to reconnect.
4. Depressive Realism: positive mood can lead to over-confidence; low mood sometimes gives you a more realistic assessment of your situation.
5. Grief/Bereavement: this like a combination of #2, 3 and 4; the death of a loved one brings on the impossible goal to reconnect; however it can bring the group together and help them assess what went wrong, if anything.

What causes depression?

   Rottenberg says that no one has identified the basis of depression as a "disease" or "disorder," as defined by the DSM, whether biological or psychological. There is a correlation between depression and high levels of the stress hormone cortisol and proinflammatory cytokines. And there are well-studied psychological and social risk factors that contribute to the likelihood of depression. [He doesn't even mention the serotonin based explanation.]

  He thinks that depression is simply an adaptation that, as our lifestyles have rapidly changed in the past few centuries, has become maladaptive for certain situations.

What are the psycho-social risk factors for depression?

• neurotic/anxious temperament
• trauma, especially early in life
• chronic stress, especially unpredictable, uncontrollable, or unexplained stressors
• loss events; loss is the big psychological theme
• lack of exposure to daylight
• lack of consistent and adequate sleep
• Overcommitment theory: based on the "stop mechanism" idea, this sees depression as a response to "overcommitment" toward impossible or hazardous goals (for example, saving your abusive spouse, pleasing your hyper-critical parent, so forth). Perfectionists are more likely to become depressed.
• "Sinking through thinking" or "rumination;" circular worrying.
• Happiness-Obsession: our culture has set happiness goals too high, and pursuing happiness as an end in itself often backfires.
• The biggest risk comes from the double whammy of serious loss plus no way forward.

How do people recover from depression?

    Three treatments have shown some degree of effectiveness: antidepressant medications, cognitive-behavioral therapy, and interpersonal therapy. However, about a third of depressed people will recover quickly on their own, or recover more quickly than can be attributed to treatment. Rottenberg hopes to study this group, but has three hunches as to why they recover quickly: 1) they have fewer complex life problems, 2) they have secret weapons, like a nimble mood system or a very healthy lifestyle, or 3) they are lucky - they have good things happen to them, like a fresh start or multiple positive turns-of-events.
   Rottenberg insists that the goal of recovery should be well-being, rather than an elimination of symptoms. Very shallow depression, too shallow to meet the DSM criteria, or lingering effects of depression, greatly increases the likelihood of repeat depression. "Mood-congruent memory" - the tendency to remember things that match your mood - can combine with "memory elaboration" - the process of creating a story or a web of memories - to trap you in sad thoughts and memories. And the more times we experience depression, the more easily our mood system is able to recreate that experience. People suffering with depression need ways to get well, stay well, and bounce back from the depressed moods that will inevitably accompany loss events.


_____________________________






Notes

• the WHO projects that by 2030 the amount of worldwide disability and life lost attributable to depression will be greater than for any other condition, including cancer, stroke, heart disease, accidents, and war. 2
•  Two-thirds of those treated with antidepressants continue to be burdened with depressive symptoms. 7
• moods are internal signals that motivate behavior and move it in the right direction 13
• the mood system is the great integrator 13
• anxious mood narrows the focus of attention to threats 14
• good moods broaden attention and make people inclined to seek out information and novelty 14
• theoretical explanations of low mood 23
• helps de-escalate conflicts, helps one side yield
• a "stop mechanism," discouraging effort in situations in which persisting in a goal is likely to be wasteful or dangerous
• help sensitize people to "social risk" and helps them reconnect when they are on the verge of being excluded from a group
• enables people to make better analyses of their environments (depressive realism) 24
• If we had to find a unifying function for low mood across these diverse situations, it would be that of an emotional cocoon, a space to pause and analyze what has gone wrong. 28
• We return to a glaring problem with defect models: no one has identified the basis of the disease, the underlying defect in the  mind or brain that causes deep depression. 32
• two mouse tests for antidepressants - the tail suspension test and the forced swim test (how long will they struggle to escape, vs give up and conserve energy) 47
• chronic stress, esp chronic but unpredictable stress cause depressive symptoms in mammals
• social situations are the strongest drivers of mood (in mammals) 54
• no evidence has emerged to suggest that bereavement-related depressions are substantially different from other depressions 66
• the theme that most consistently predicts depression is loss 67
• talk therapies usually seek to address or uncover loss events in clients 69
• we recover more quickly from a bad event if we can readily explain it. We would expect, then, that events that generate mixed feelings and/or confusing thoughts would be a powerful impetus toward persistent low mood. 83
• the most important and well-studied depression-prone personality trait is neuroticism 87
• light exposure and sleep schedule 89
• sinking through thinking; rumination 98
• the perils of persistence; overcommitment theory; depression occurs b/c we can't let go of certain goals that we can't/aren't reaching; "inability to disengage from efforts from a failing goal" 104
• perfectionists are more likely to become depressed 105
• what may be most important for exposing humans to the risk of depression is that they are able to pursue highly abstract goals and to set goals in domains where programs is difficult to measure 106
• our culture has set happiness goals too high; and achieving positive mood states is difficult as an end in itself; rather it usually accompanies the achievement of other goals 110
• the strongest depression-inducing situations present a double whammy: serious losses and no route (or an overly hazardous route) forward 121
• emotion context insensitivity - depressed people react less to emotional stimuli 121
• depressed people showed less moment-to-moment change in emotional behavior than nondepressed people 131
• research on the stress hormone cortisol indicate that many depressed people chronically overproduce this hormone 132
• on average, an episode of major depression last about six months 132
• like cortisol, proinflammatory cytokines are high in depression 137
• why do some people come out of depression more quickly and fully
• hunch 1 - early improvers face fewer complex life problems
• 2 - early improvers have secret weapons against depression (nimble mood system, good life habits)
• 3 - early improvers are lucky (fresh start events, multiple positive events)
• depression symptoms are usually lost in reverse order to that in which they were acquired 155
• chronic depression has a greater power to alter a person's self-concept than briefer episodes do 159
• residual depression symptoms are one of the strongest predictors of the return of deep depression 160
• one reason we're not winning the fight against depression is that our available treatments leave so many in partial recovery limbo 167
• evidence that the mood system has an easier time going from limbo back to deep depression than it did getting there the first time 169
• mood-congruent memory - increased ability to think of content that matches our current mood state
• memory elaboration - creating a story, connecting memories into your identity; deep depression strengthens the web of sad mood 173
• we need to understand how the experience of well-being might help people do things that keep them well 191
• Barbara Fredrickson: broaden-and-build model of positive affect focuses on the ways that it functions to broaden attention and build resourses. The functions of positive mood are in essence the opposite of the functions of low mood and negative emotions. 191
• inert placebo pills are about 82 percent as effective as antidepressants 197

Vocation

   I've been desperately craving a vocation - a life-call to a certain work, career, or mission - for the past ten to fifteen years. At some point in my early adulthood I went from being free, curious, and hopeful about my vocation to being anxious and distressed about not having one.
   Why not just pick a career, right?! I haven't been able to! Mysteriously that has always felt really really wrong, like a short-cut, like cheating, like a lack of faith. 
   God is supposed to tell me what to do, and if She hasn't told me yet, then I shouldn't presume to pick for myself. Where in the world did I get this notion? 
   My parents didn't teach me. Our church didn't teach this. The Bible talks plenty about call, but that's a call to follow God, prophetic words and actions, starting nations, saving the world and so forth, not a 9-5 job.
   I've tried to talk myself out of it. "My vocation is to follow Jesus, and I can do that just as well working in accounting or horticulture." "Vocation as 'career' is just a capitalist take on religious commitment."
   I've sought out advice, and found some very good wisdom. From what I've learned at Richmond Hill, vocational discernment usually involves four overlapping principles, explored in solitude and in discussion with friends.

1. Play to your strengths. Do what you're good at. God gave you talents so that you could serve with them.
2. Follow your heart. Do what you love. God gave you passions and wants you to pursue them.
3. Answer the call. Respond to the needs around you. God calls you in the context of your community.
4. Trial and error. Examine your past experience. What works for you? What doesn't? If you hate your job, well, at least you've learned what you don't like.

   And sometimes, but not usually, God will spell out your career path, in a vision, a voice, through another person, etc.. No one has ever told me that I should expect God to do this for me, but somehow I've fixed this, or God's fixed this, way down deep in my soul. As a four on the Enneagram, maybe this is simply a product of my need to feel one-of-a-kind, hand-picked, the lonely romantic hero.
   Also, those four overlapping principles haven't worked very well for me. I swear, I've tried!

1. I don't have clear, stand-out strengths. In school I did fine in all subjects, but I wasn't exceptional at anything. My work record has been the same.
2. I don't have clear, stand-out passions. I like lots of things, but I've never been consistently dedicated to an activity, or issue, or subject.
3. This has worked for me, a little. But still I haven't been able to plug in, heart and soul.
4. I guess this step continues to help.

Ruah Reflection Paper

Ruah Reflection Paper

6/12/19

David Vinson

Stupefy yourselves and be in a stupor,

Blind yourselves and be blind!

Be drunk, but not from wine,

Stagger, but not from strong drink!

For the Lord has poured out upon you a spirit of deep sleep;

He has closed your eyes, you prophets,

And covered your heads, you seers.

The vision of all this has become for you like the words of a sealed document.

If it is given to those who can read, with the command, “Read this,” they say

“We cannot, for it is sealed.”

And if it is given to those who cannot read, saying, “Read this,” they say

“We cannot read.”

                                                                        Isaiah 29:9-12

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” No one ever taught me that, so I’m sorry in advance for the negativity in this paper! As you may have learned this year, depression is a regular part of my life, and right now I’m in a stinky, though tolerable, trough. When I’m here it’s difficult to say much, but if I need to say something, it is often helpful to start with the experiences close at hand – bitterness, frustration, failure, sleepiness, confusion, and so forth.

Answer the Door!

What the heck, God? Why won’t you answer the door!? What happened to “knock and the door shall be opened unto you”? I know, I know…I’m probably knocking my knuckles raw at the wrong door, or a door that’s unlocked with a big sign that says, “Come on in!”, in a language I can’t read, or maybe I’m inside already but think I’m outside, or maybe the door is actually open but all I know how to do is knock, or maybe I haven’t yet learned how to knock properly.

In any case, Ruah has heightened, or highlighted, my desire for God, need for God, perceived lack of God. I’m a widow with a legitimate complaint but this jerk judge won’t hear me out…guess I better keep on knocking. I’m an “importunate” neighbor, badgering my buddy for snacks in the middle of the night because I forgot my in-laws were on their way and don’t have anything in the cupboard…come on man, open up, I know you’ve got some triskets and salami.

Having the opportunity each month, in a supportive and safe group, to answer the question, “Where have you seen God in your life?”, has helped me to see just how insistent and foundational this feeling is for me. Knocking, locked out, feeling disconnected, the big Something is missing. This is the main reason I identified as a four on the Enneagram. And this is not new, of course, and I bring it up in various ways with my spiritual director, or in other contexts. I think the monthly chime, or muffled thud, depending on how I feel, of this our peer-group question has helped tune my ears to the regularity of my own knocking. For better or for worse, most of my prayer life is simply calling out to God, hoping for some response. Perhaps the best thing I’ve written in my journal this year is a page of angry and desperate prayers, “where you at?” followed by a page of scribbles and stabs of ink.

Many Hands Knocking Makes a Louder Noise

This isn’t a proverb, but I like it. Thanks be to God for my classmates and for you faculty, because with all of us knocking at the same time we create quite the racket. There’s no way God can sleep through all that! Now that I think about it, maybe we should be careful…in the Mesopotamian version of the great flood, the chief god Enlil is fed up with noisy, annoying humans and decides the world would be better off without them. Thankfully Ea warns someone to make an ark, and other gods pitch in to help humanity survive. If the gods thought we were annoying back then, wait till they hear about all the greenhouse gases we’re pumping out, or the traffic on the beltway, or the world’s most powerful leader spending half his day tweeting insults in all caps then in the next sentence saying God bless America. (“My brothers and sisters, this ought not to be so” - James 3:10)

In all seriousness, the people of Ruah have been, far and away, the best part of Ruah. Their stories, sharing from the heart, seeking truth and faith, what can I say, this has all been so precious. Each person has inspired, encouraged, and fascinated me.

Wake up!

My success and failure in following through with our program (reading, journaling, other disciplines), has been closely linked to my emotional ups and downs. September and October were decent; November, December, January were dumpy; February, March, April on the up and up; and the last month has been difficult. Thankfully I had already read much of our book list, but I really hope to do better next year.

Centering prayer is key for me, but with seven years of trying I have yet to find consistency, week to week, month to month. It’s so frustrating. I feel particularly called to silent prayer, so please pray for me that I will find that rhythm. May my failure to find a regular practice not discourage me but encourage me to whatever prayers I can muster. I love this line from Cassian’s Conferences, “The recollection also of our coldness and carelessness has sometimes aroused in us a healthful fervor of spirit. And in this way no one can doubt that numberless opportunities are not wanting, by which through God’s grace the coldness and sleepiness of our minds can be shaken off.”

Time to wake up! So says Ruah. At least, that’s my take on year one. My three most common day dreams, well, other than sexual fantasy or depressive episodes, are 1- breaking something, smashing it, perhaps cutting it in half, or jumping through it, like a window; 2- being inundated, water pouring over me, from a burst pipe or sudden waterfall; 3- jumping off high things, or driving off high things. I usually interpret these as desires to wake up, be free in the active sense, break through, take control, while at the same time, let go, be free in the passive sense, lose control. This is the kind of spiritual dance that is Ruah. I thank God for this experience, with the companions, teachers, authors, environment, and Ruach that create it.

Give Up Catching Up

Wait, it's June? What happened to half the year? Work, sleep, home improvement, too much TV. Can I find any trails through the little I've read recently?

All the Pretty Horses and The Crossing - Cormac McCarthy

Two 20th century, coming of age, western adventure stories. By western I mean horses, ranches, nostalgia, toughness, wide open spaces, gun fights, deserts, mystical indians, orientalized mexico. McCarthy leaned hard on his vision of "old Mexico", a land where the past still lives, a land where mythic forces undulate close to the surface, full of needs and questions projected by white america, so on and so forth. Pretty Horses was much smoother, tight and familiar, very much the hero's journey. The Crossing was weirder, longer, more interesting. By the time I got to Cities of the Plain, the third book of the "Border Trilogy," I had lost momentum. That had more to do with my depression and less to do with the books. McCarthy certainly enchanted me with his layered descriptions - landscape, spirit, rhythm, emotion, religion, back to lanscape.

Jesus and the Disinherited - Howard Thurman
The Essential Enneagram - David Daniels and Virginia Price

The only two books I've read recently for my Ruah class. I was trying to remember exactly when I first read Jesus and the Disinherited, I know it was during a summer in college. Anywho, at the time I was more unconvinced than convinced that my religion was, at least, potentially helpful. This book pulled me into its living faith.

Our class discussion and investigation of the Enneagram was very exciting, and it's been a lot of fun talking about it with Lindsey as well. I self-typed as a "four," woe is me, something is missing in my life. Five and nine were strong candidates. I sympathized with one of my classmates who objected, "But this is all made up!" I think he's right, it is made up, but is it more made up that Id, Ego, Super-Ego? Or is it more made up that archetypes and the collective unconscious? Is it more made up that Introvert, Extrovert? Maybe so. In any case it was a good retreat.

Being Peace - Thich Nhat Hanh

I really wish I could hang out with him for a year.

On Prayer - Tertullian, Origen, and Cassian

Selections on prayer, centered on the Lord's prayer. Tertullian was wild. Was he always itching for a fight? Origen's piece I had read before. The selection from Cassian's Conferences lit me up, so I hope to read the rest soon.

Older Birds

I never quite understood why birds were so exciting, and then I turned 30. Let me rephrase that...I never quite understood that  birds were so exciting, delightful, thrilling. I still don't know why they are, or why I enjoy them so much more than before.

A few weeks ago Lindsey gave me a bird feeder for our back porch, and the cardinals, doves, and these little birds have been gorging themselves and making a big old mess. The robins and mockingbirds haven't been as interested. Once I spotted a male house wren, with the red cap (perhaps the same one whose mate built a nest over the back porch last spring?), but he hasn't reappeared recently.

We're slowly learning a few names and calls. I think most of the little guys at the feeder are house sparrows and song sparrows, rather than wrens, because their beaks are smaller and stubbier.

Another regular visitor is, or looks likes, a Carolina Chickadee

The craziest sounding bird we've recognized so far is the Cat Bird 

The other day, driving home, I spied the biggest crow ever, scary big, with extra fluff on the neck, sitting on the guardrail of my exit. I think it was a raven! never seen one of those up close!

Also there's a giant nest on one of the signs over the 95 bridge, on the southbound side.  A couple times I've seen a bird fly up to it...looks like an osprey...maybe?

 In February, on our Texas trip, we saw what looked like extra purple, extra long legged starlings playing in a puddle. Grackles!

 Also in Texas, on one of the lakes we drove past, pelicans swooped and paddled around.

 

Wake up, Dave

  A couple years back, the Ruah class gave a poster sized print of an icon similar to this for the prayer room off the chapel. It's centered above the hefty old Monumental Church altar.
   When I first saw it I didn't realize it depicted the Transfiguration; I was thinking more along the lines of Judgment Day. Three dudes getting stabbed in the eye - ouch! - disoriented and falling off the page. They must be going to hell. Their postures of dramatic defeat reminded me of a mosaic I saw in Patmos, depicting St John defeating a magician and his demon buddy.

But when I looked again I recognized Moses and Elijah, up top hanging out with Jesus. Whoa. Is this what enlightenment looks like? Getting poked in the eye with a sharp stick? Here's Saul, becoming Paul, getting smacked in the face himself. I'm not sure I'm ready for all of that.

  Waking up is a bear. Or waking up is fine, but not when you're a hungry, half-in-hibernation bear. 
   It's like nails across the chalkboard. Not enough air in the room. Caught in a web of cold rusty chain links. Open the door of consciousness...guilt, shame, failure, craving, anger, anxiety are usually my first visitors (did I ask to wake up? and who invited all these jerks?). Some mixture of chemical depression and anxiety and just general confusion. Yuck, tastes bad.
   But life is good, ya know? I pray to learn to wake up more peacefully and enthusiastically, but in the meantime I'm grateful to wake up one way or the other. Help us, Lord.


"It is good to give thanks to the Lord,
To sing praises to you name, O Most High;
To declare your lovingkindness in the morning,
And your faithfulness by night,
To the music of the lute and the harp,
To the melody of the lyre.
For you, O Lord, have made me glad by your work;
At the works of your hands I sing for joy." (92:1-3)

"My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed;
I will sing and make melody.
Awake, my soul!
Awake, O harp and lute!
I myself will waken the dawn" (57:7-8 or 108:1-2)

"Give ear to my words, O Lord;
give heed to my sighing.
Listen to the sound of my cry,
my King and my God,
for to you I pray.
O Lord, in the morning you hear my voice;
In the morning I plead my case to you, and watch" (5:1-3)

"But I call upon God,
And the Lord will save me.
Evening and morning and at noon
I utter my complaint and moan,
And he will hear my voice." (55:16-17)

"With my whole heart I cry;
Answer me, O Lord,
I will keep your statutes.
I cry to you; save me,
That I may observe your decrees.
I rise before dawn and cry for help;
I put my hope in your words.
My eyes are awake before each watch of the night,
That I may meditate on your promise.
In your steadfast love hear my voice;
O Lord, in your justice preserve my life." (119:145-149)

"Rouse yourself! Why do you sleep, O Lord?
Awake, do not cast us off forever!
Why do you hide your face?
Why do you forget our affliction and oppression?
For we sin down to the dust;
Our bodies cling to the ground.
Rise up, come to our help.
Redeem us for the sake of your steadfast love." (44:23-26)

"Wake up! Bestir yourself for my defense,
For my cause, my God and my Lord!
Vindicate me, O Lord, my God, according to your righteousness,
And do not let them rejoice over me." (35:23-24)

"Then the Lord awoke as from sleep,
Like a warrior shouting because of wine.
He put his adversaries to rout;
He put them to everlasting disgrace." (78:65-66)

"Yours is the day, yours also the night;
You established the moon and the sun.
You have fixed all the bounds of the earth;
You made summer and winter." (74:16-17)

"But I, O Lord, cry out to you;
In the morning my prayer comes before you.
O Lord, why do you cast me off?
Why do you hide your face from me?" (88:12-14)

"I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, for the Lord sustains me.
I am not afraid of ten thousands of people
who have set themselves against me all around." (3:5-6)

"Morning by morning I will destroy all the wicked in the land,
Cutting off all evildoers from the city of the Lord." (101:8)

"You have made the moon to mark the seasons;
The sun knows the time of its setting.
You make darkness, and it is night,
When all the animals of the forest come creeping out.
The young lions roar for their prey,
Seeking their food from God.
When the sun rises, they withdraw
And lie down in their dens.
People go out to their work
And to their labor until the evening." (104:19-23)

"It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest,
Eating the bread of anxious toil;
For he gives sleep to his beloved." (127:2)

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
And in his word I hope;
My soul waits for the Lord
More than sentries for the morning
More than sentries for the morning." (130:5-6)

"If I take the wings of the morning
And settle at the farthest limits of the sea,
Even there your hand shall lead me,
And your right hand hold me fast." (139:9-10)

"Answer me quickly, O Lord;
My spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me,
Or I shall be like those who go down to the Pit.
Let me hear of your lovingkindness in the morning, for in you I put my trust.
Teach me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." (143:7-8)

"Sing praises to the Lord, O you his faithful ones,
And give thanks to his holy name.
For his anger is but for a moment;
His favor lasts a lifetime.
Weeping may linger for the night,
But joy comes with the morning." (31:4-5)

"Day to day pours forth speech,
And night to night declares knowledge." (19:2)

"Make me to know your ways, O Lord;
Teach me your paths.
Lead me in your truth and teach me,
For you are the God of my salvation;
For You I wait all day long." (25:5)

"You sweep them away;
They are like a dream,
Like grass that is renewed in the morning;
In the morning it flourishes and is renewed;
In the evening it fades and withers." (90:5-6)

Yellow Rose of Texas

   As Lindsey navigated the traffic from Dallas-Fort Worth Airport to our airbnb-RV on Lewisville Lake, I broke out into song, as I often do in the car. And as I often do, I only knew, like, half a verse or less. "The stars at night, are big and bright!" clap clap clap clap, "Deep in the heart of Texas!" "Blah blah blah blah, doo doo doo doo," clap clap clap clap, "deep in the heart of Texas!" (I learned a lot of culture from Pee Wee's Big Adventure). All together now! One more time! 
   "And now for "The Yellow Rose of Texas!'"...but I couldn't remember it. Not that I ever knew any words anyway, but I thought I knew the tune.
   Two days later I woke up in the RV humming it - some fife and drum ancestor must have whistled it to me in my dreams - and I hummed it for the rest of the day. 
   That same day Lindsey and I had a good conversation about our Governor's and Attorney General's blackface admissions, and I tried to unpack my own history of "playing" Black.
   Growing up my circle of white male friends frequently used, or played with, popular black culture and stereotypes. I'm trying to work out what for...To be cool, for sure, but help me break that down...
   To create a buffer between our "youth" world and our parents' world. To enjoy transgressing, from the safety of our middle-class whiteness, into a fantasy "gangsta" style of toughness, danger, and sex. To break out of what we perceived to be a stale, unimaginative standard English. And, in the tradition of minstrelsy, to entertain ourselves by degrading others, amusing ourselves with stereotyped imitations of "improper" Black English and "over-sexualized" black styles of art or dress.
    You might think that these goings-ons were in exclusively white company, but that's not the case. I often acted my "blackest" when in predominantly black contexts, usually also sports contexts. But in those contexts I was much less experimental, much more conservative, sticking to words or gestures that I believed would fit "safely" into the flow of the situation. The dance of authenticity is intricate, I guess, in any social situation. There seemed to be levels of realness for whites using black language; that is, there were levels of "credible" or acceptable white use of popular black language in majority black social situations, based on the user's socio-economic background, relationship circles, and consistency of style. (If you know me you're probably laughing right now, because in middle and high school my "words or gestures," white or black or any style, were almost non-existent; I barely spoke and was stiff as a board).
   Black friends and friends of other races also used hip-hop and black pop-culture to explore their own identities and differentiate themselves from their parents. More recently, during my time as dorm counselor at a boarding middle school, the ethnically diverse student population - many of our students came from other countries - gravitated toward black slang, music, and professional athletes as their cultural currency.
   Nonetheless it seemed that, at least in my growing up, white boys played black with a peculiar and perverse mixture of enthusiasm, admiration, objectification, envy, freedom, and consequence-less-ness (what is a good word for that? privilege? power?); and we played especially enthusiastically in majority white male contexts. In such contexts, we often stretched or completely jettisoned any rules of credibility and acceptability that had been developed in the majority black contexts.
   Where am I going with all this? Well this morning I thought I'd write a blog post about our Texas trip, and I hoped the lyrics of "The Yellow Rose of Texas" would give me some inspiration. I looked it up...guess what! It's first recorded iteration is a minstrel song about a black man yearning for his Texas home where his "yellow," or "mulatto," sweetheart resides. Later it was transformed into a song about a soldier longing for his home and beau. Is it a coincidence that I unconsciously remembered the tune and had a conversation about blackface on the same day? Yeah probably, but it's a likely coincidence, considering how deeply playing Black (and American Indian), runs in my history.